Step By Step

2012-02-13T12:11:00.000-06:00

I haven't written in awhile. I felt no need to until this past weekend. I would have never thought in a million years that one of the greatest vocalist of our time would pass so soon. She was only 48 years old. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. I know God needed her more so than we did. She's in heaven now resting. She's in heaven to sing upon the Angels in heaven. Death is a time for mourning and joy. At this very moment I'm mourning. I'm past the initial shock. I'm celebrating as I always did listening to her music. Her music brought me great JOY & HAPPINESS that no one has ever done, depressed, hurt, joy, happy, excited and the most important expression of all, LOVE! As a little kid, I was only 8 years old when I first started listening to Whitney. I would dance and sing wanting to be like her. My parents got me two little records for Christmas one year which I still have put up in plastic. That year was the best Christmas ever!

I was at work. I passed by phone. I saw the incoming texts thinking it was sort of cruel joke. My heart dropped. Shattered! Broken! Hurt! Angry! Shock! I felt lost and empty. I'm an adult. I understand we aren't related. I understand she isn't part of my family. I understand why "some people" wouldn't understand the way I feel. They don't have to understand! We all have our "thing" that gets us thru the day when we're having a bad day or experiencing the greatest joy ever felt known to man, being in love! Whitney did that for me! I am truly saddened that I will never be able to experience another performance. But I still have her music that will live on forever. My collection is vast. I have records, dvd concerts, live cd concerts, vhs tapes that I've recorded over the years, cds, t-shirts and posters. Probably the most important thing to me, a concert ticket dated Monday July 3rd, 2000. I was blessed and grateful that I was able to see Whitney Houston in concert at least once in my lifetime.

My heart is broken. Experience has taught me that hearts do mend. It will take time but it will. I will miss Whitney dearly!! I will always love you Ms. Houston!

2011-10-10T00:23:00.000-05:00

It's possible.....

I don't even know where to start. I just know I don't want it to be too long before I've written the next post so pretty much this is the reason I've started tonight. I can say this, I've lost 21 lbs and it feels fucking great! I've had some mishaps along the last few weeks but I've done an amazing job and all I can do is praise myself for the job well done I've been doing. I'm been wondering and thinking whether I should make this blog public as it is private. My most personal thoughts out in the open. I guess if it's meant to be then it will happen. No worries right! I should be asleep right now as I've only had about 2 hours asleep the night before. I know I'll sleep like a baby tonight. 7 hours is pretty good.....on another note....

Today I went to look at buying a house. It's a big step and there is a fear of buying it. There isn't anything wrong with a healthy fear but I just know that's natural. I've worked so hard all my life especially these last few years. 2012 looks to be like a better year than this year and this year is/was amazing! 2011 I've made some decisions to only better myself and I'm sticking to it which makes me happy. I'm a little aprehensive about moving. My apartment is so close to work that it's convienence. I don't waste any gas. But owning my own house there is something different about that. It will be mine. It's mine. My hard earned money actually going to something other than a concert ticket. I've spent thousands this year on concert tickets and I don't regret one single second of it either. It was my new years resolution and I've stuck to it. I'm losing weight again which will only be better in the long run. I've opened up a life insurance policy on myself. I'm getting my taxes taken care. I'm getting my credit worked on. I've made a promise to only do better for myself. And for that I'm proud of myself. There is no reason why I should be beating myself up when i'm only doing what's best for me. Good job Joe! Keep it Simple!

2011-09-20T01:36:00.000-05:00

It's been two months......

......well almost two months since I've written my last blog post. It seems I only come here when I'm feeling some sort of uncomfortable emotion. And I guess tonight is the night where I've given in to feel what I fear most. It's always a song that makes me think of you. Right now I'm listening to "Yo Queria". It's my own fault. I went to his facebook page. I wish the bitch would just make it private so I couldn't see the photos. I read my last post and what a tear jerker that was. smh. My gosh sometimes I can't believe I'm the one who is writing this stuff. I can say this much, it isn't as intense as it once was. I've changed all of my passwords except for this one......

.....someone like you. I don't feel like writing anymore but I just want to crawl into a corner, curl up like a little baby and just cry. cry. cry. cry and just cry until I have no more tears to cry. I can't believe how the pain can still be there when you really think and concentrate on how great the pain once was. my cheek is wet. it's a reminder of how much hurt you've caused me. how much time I focused on you. how much time I gave. how much misery I was in. how much of a rollercoaster ride this once was. how much time i invested. i wonder if you think of me? I always think of you when the time hits 10:09am/pm. I always will.

2011-07-27T00:34:00.000-05:00

It's finally hitting me.....

The love of my life told me he doesn't want anything else to do with me. Wants me to be happy. Wants me to do good with my life. Wishes nothing but the best. At the same time he told me he wants nothing else to do with me. Never wants to see me again. It hurts I am not going to lie. I am sick and tired of hurting. I try and do nothing but good for people. It sucks cause it's always the ones you love the most that end up hurting you the most. I know this isn't the end of the world. I know that things will get better. I know that one day I'll find the person who I will end up setting down with for the rest of my life but today isn't that day.......

I'm sitting here listening to Adele's Someone Like You and can't help thinking of you. I had hopes for us. I wanted everything to turn out for the best of us. You once said you wished that thing were better for us. You once told me I love you. You once told me you were thinking of me. You once told me I made you happy. You once told me that I was perfect just the way I was. I could be myself around you. And now you tell me you regret it! I just don't get it. Next month would have been 4 years since the first time I had laid eyes on you. I don't regret it. This has made me stronger. This will only make me that much stronger!

2011-07-26T01:28:00.000-05:00

You Got It You Got It You Got It....

I think lately I kinda start what music I'm listening too and at the moment I am listening to Jennifer Lopez at the moment. I think perhaps maybe why I am having trouble writing is because I am not alone tonight. I think having someone here deters me from what I want to write. It isn't a bad thing. It isn't a wrong thing it is what it is. I drove into baytown earlier this evening and I hate driving into baytown. I don't even like driving to the Antonio's in baytown cause it brings way too many memories. Memories that I don't like think about it. Memories that I don't like dwell on. The past is the past. If I can all help but avoid Baytown I will.....I don't know what to write anymore tonight. I will say this.......I was reading over my past blogs and I promise myself that I will get there again. The determination that I had back then about everything I will get there. I guess what I started with I'll end with.......You Got It You Got It You Got It

2011-07-25T00:55:00.000-05:00

Finally......

I was getting worried cause what I wrote the other night I couldn't post it. So glad I was able to post it. A few days late but nevertheless grateful for this outlet. I'm not sure I did the right thing by posting my link onto my twitter but I have nothing to hide anymore. I mean not that I was living a double life any sort but it's just good to get things onto "paper". I remember I used to grab anything in sight to be able to get out of my head. It's 12:48 I should be in bed. I should be asleep. Getting that so called 8 hour asleep that I try to achieve but the night seems to get longer with only a few hours left before the morning sun rises. I think one day I'll be able to leave you in my mind. I never want to forget you. I would never wish that upon myself. Past relationships are/is a wonderful thing. A learning tool. I want to say I've never regretted a relationship but who knows. That would be too much to think about. lol I can barefly forget the one I was in. It seems to just drag on and on and on and on. Everytime I think the door is locked with the key thrown away he seems to creep back into my life....I think that's all for now. I'm think i am going to sleep....

2011-07-25T00:41:00.001-05:00

Don't know much about your life.......

and I don't know much about your world but I don't want to be alone tonight! I stay up late as I can because when I lay down at night to go to sleep I can't help but think about you. You made it worst when you came back into my life a few weeks ago and I can't stop thinking about you! You made me miss you even more! I was just beginning to be okay with the way my life was turning out. You made me miss you when I saw you for the 1st time in months. I wish this pain could just go away. I don't like feeling this way. I wish you could feel the tears that I cry for you. I wish you were here to dry away my tears. I hate the fact the all these blog writings are all about you. I don't want just pieces of you Rico! I wish I had a family with you. I don't want to be selfish with you. I remember in the beginning my walls were up. I wasn't ready to fall in love again. And slowly they started to crumble and I let you in!

So much for this being a spiritual blog. It used to be or at least I liked to think it was. I remember I turned to God for everything. And yet I found myself digging deeper and deeper......

I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to feel this way. I wish I could just numb my feelings. I've been there before and in the end I didn't accomplish anything but a never ending cycle that turned into addiction. Yet I'm only human and it's only natural to want that instant gratification. That never ending sensation of not being able to feel. Not have any worries about yesterday, today or tomorrow. Not knowing. No worries or care. Just being selfish. So it all comes back to what I want in life. I've stopped crying. I'm thinking. My body says yes. My mind says no I never want to see you again. You're like a drug to me Rico. You told me you didn't want me to mention you in these blog writings but I say FUCK YOU you dumb fuck. You stupid insecure piece of shit! And I say this with love! lol Of course I don't believe that you're dumb or stupid but I do believe you're insecure piece of shit. Ok I don't believe your dumb either but I do believe your scared. Hect I'm scared and I'm tired of writing. I am thinking about making these blogs public not private. This outlet has always been for me/about me. Hmmm we'll see.......

2011-06-05T22:37:00.003-05:00

I've been.......

I haven't felt like this in along time! I mean I've cried. I've been sad before. I've been hurt before. I want to say so much yet I don't want to talk or write about it but I know stuffing my feelings and tucking them away into the depths of the seas won't accomplish anything. I guess I'm grateful for this blog. If I'm grateful for anything right now in this moment it is this blog. It's been here when I most needed a place to vent!!

I've been crying for the past 30 minutes! :( Hearing my mom on the phone sounding desperate to hear answers that I couldn't give her frustrates and depresses me! I hate feeling like this. It isn't my fault nor is it her fault. It's all my dad fault! I just don't understand why?!? After being with someone for so many years why would you even fathom talking to someone else? I mean I don't know all the details nor do I want to know but I know repeated visits to go visit "my grandmother" wasn't just about visiting my grandmother. I mean I saw all the call logs! That is what gets me. Night after night minutes turning into an hour turning into hours just doesn't sit right with me!

This time around I'm not 100% sure my dad has done anything but the blocked calls repeatedly in a row.......the woman saying on the voicemail to call her back.....it being after 11 at night I mean come on! I'm just really tired of it!

2011-05-31T23:39:00.003-05:00

BREAKEVEN!

I saw him this morning standing on the steps of my apartment. I had been waiting days...weeks....months! But who's counting? I was eternally. And now I'm falling to pieces. I didn't open the door but I should have! I promised myself that I will open the door the next time. I'm not even sure that is the right thing to do. I'm not even sure that is the wrong thing to do. I don't even think there is a right or wrong thing to do. It just is. I've let go or have I? Was it a sign from God that everything will be ok? I don't know anymore! I don't even know what to do anymore! I really don't. I'm trying here I really am. Things aren't getting better. I'm still sad. I'm still hurting obviously cause just seeing him thru the peep hole has gotten me all distressed and frustrated that I'm crying rivers.......

2011-05-16T21:33:00.003-05:00

Chasing Pavements......

I just looked at my last entry and it was a song from Adele! It sucks having these feelings! I miss my friend so much. Why do end up falling for guys who aren't available? I told myself I wouldn't allow myself to fall for someone ever again after Rico. Even after I had my walls built up around me they slowly started to crumble and it was too late......I know my feelings are real. No doubt about that. I don't like feeling hurt. I'm hurt and I'm allowed to feel that. It isn't wrong. It's reality. I love you M!

2011-05-07T23:10:00.003-05:00

Someone Like You.....

I sat down to watch Adele's concert that I had recorded and the first song was called "Someone Like You". I immediately started to tear up cause the song describes my relationship with Rico! I miss him so much. He certainly was the love of my life and it hurts so much! I can't even tell you when the last time I've cried like this? Perhaps I haven't gotten over Rico. Listening to Adele's song I can't help but think of him and how everthing once was. He was my life since Aug of 2007 and it's been 9 months since I've seen or heard from him. Sometimes when I'm at work I look outside hoping that he would pass by in his Dodge Truck. I find myself just staring out......it's just like in the song....I couldn't give you things you wanted and she could.

2011-05-05T22:02:00.002-05:00

No Ordinary Love.....

Ok so I lied I haven't posted in almost a month! It's ok Joe or is it? Too much in this head and it isn't healthy. Should I write this in silence or let the music keep playing? Should I let the verse of the song steer my thoughts onto so called paper? Sure I could relate to this song. Of this isn't No Ordinary Love! What does that mean? Ummm not sure if making any sense. Don't analyze it too much Joe just let your thoughts free and out cause this is not helping you at all. A friend mentioned to me that she is in therapy and I've thought about going again. I truly believe for me to get better I need help with this because I don't like the Jekyl & Hyde(sp?) of myself. It's so hard living with myself. Perhaps because Joe you're own worst critic that likes to pick a part everything and then analyze then decifer what is or isn't real?

I'm sat here listening to Sade...........I'm relaxed. I certainly feel loved. I don't feel alone but I do feel lonely!!!! I think feeling lonely is certainly worse than being alone!'

I wish things were different! I love him and I want to be selfish and I want to be happy and I want him all for myself.............ok music is off!

As i was saying I want him all for myself but when I stop and look at it from a mature standpoint in reality that isn't what I would want for him. That wouldn't make him TRULY happy! Of course he says I love you Joe and I say I love you back but I believe it doesn't hold the exact same meaning for when he or I say it. Of course it makes me feel good when he says it. Perhaps if I was younger? Skinnier? Looked a certain way? acted a certain way? But I know all this wouldn't change the fact he doesn't like me that way. Of course I wished in a fairy tale listening to Whitney Houston! lol But it isn't :( I just don't know what to do sometimes and like he said today how come I can't just live life for today and smile and be happy and know everything is going to be alright and not have any worries what so ever and that my mom be cured and not be sick anymore and me be for certain that I would live a life full of being sober! That I would find that prince charming and he would scoop me off my feet! That i would lose weight and be able to fit into all my clothes again! That Mariano be my prince charming!!! Talking today was a good thing. I know that I've been avoiding him cause it seems like everytime we did talk that we would end up arguing and one if not both of us would get angry at each other and so I just avoided him.

I know how I say I don't care what people think about me and pretty much say what's on my mind well the first part is right lol but I kinda wish I didn't tell him today that I don't like her for him. I could certainly tell that it made him feel bad. I want him to be happy even if I'm not happy right now. I haven't been happy in so long! I feel like my walls have all crumbled down and it's the end of the of all endings!

But I don't want to sound all gloomy! I know the road head of me is uncertain. But what I can start to choose is the way I look at things in life. I've been here before and I know what to do but it's so hard doing so!

2011-04-14T23:30:00.003-05:00

DELETED..... So today I decided that I would delete a few on my fb. I think it was a well calculated move. I definitely will miss one individual but I believe it's for the best! Change is a good thing. I know I'm a little aprehensive at times about it but when I take a step back...analyze it a bit....take another step back then step by step take a step forward it's all for the better. I mean my blog does say Step By Step. And that is all what I'm about today. I've certainly over the last week or so really haven't been in a good place. I've thought about suicide. I've thought about drinking. I've thought about using. I've thought about leaving and not looking back. I've thought about quitting my job to not be around the people that I'm around all the time. I've thought about all these different things. And with each step taking I think it's just a cop out. An easy way out. It's about not wanting to do the work that it takes to get to a better place. I'm not going to quit. I will trudge this road of happy destiny! I shall move forward with a smile. I shall fake it till make it. I shall wear this mask of illusion till I can walk comfortably head up.

2011-04-11T23:36:00.002-05:00

Mixed Bag Of Emotions...... I really don't know what to think right now. I'm questioning myself. Am I on the right path that I'm supposed to be on? Am I still supposed to be here? What does God have planned for me? All this and more I'm thinking. I'm in my head and sometimes it's a good place to be in and sometimes it isn't....I guess for this particular moment it isn't. I don't like the thoughts & emotions I'm feeling. I wish things were different! In what way I don't know exactly! Sure I'd love to have a relationship. Be in a relationship. Have one to hold. Have one to conversate. Have one to share the ups & downs. A best friend! But why would I want that when I'm not sure I what in life anymore! So I'm sat here listening to Britney Spears. And it's a ballad. Scratching my head cause I can't believe I'm actually liking a ballad! WOW but I'm liking what I'm hearing....I guess music for me is the only thing I have right now....

2011-04-08T22:17:00.002-05:00

Not feeling this at all tonight!!! I wish I could numb my feelings right now. I do not want to feel this at all. I wish it would go away. I don't like having to face reality. I wish I could live this dream forever!

2011-02-05T00:06:00.003-06:00

Hope! Love! Faith! Believe! Compassion!

These are the five words I posted on my Facebook today. I have hope that everything will work out the way things should be. Love for everyone! Faith that it will work out! I believe God will show me the way!! And I have to remember that having compassion for myself and more importantly OTHERS! I want to continue to better myself. I believe things will work out. It's been since Monday 1/24/2011 without a cig. What an accomplishment for myself! 12 days!

2011-01-29T10:44:00.002-06:00

Commitment

It's a new day and I'm feeling good! It's a better day. It will take some work. It will take effort on my part. Nothing is easy in this world. It takes commitment. I ate breakfast and it's ok. I have to eat. Do I feel guilty for eating breakfast? No. I did it in moderation and it's okay! Did I overeat? No. I ate just enough to feel satisfied!

2011-01-28T22:34:00.002-06:00

I'm Sad......

Today I admit defeat. I am putting away the mask of trying to be happy when in reality I am not. I don't feel good about myself. I am FAT! I declined to go bowling cause I don't have anything to wear that fits. All my regular clothes don't fit me anymore. I don't want to go shopping because that means just bigger sizes. Yesterday my shirt ripped because it was tight when I bent down to pick something up from the floor. The good thing is that I'm 5 days clean from cigarettes. Partly because I've been sick since Monday and haven't felt like smoking. Then I get like this and I start to feel feelings I don't want to feel. I'm alone. I feel lonely. I miss him. I guess I'm just wanting someone to be with when I feel like this but in turn I don't want it to be him because then I would feel that much sadder because he would only leave me again to be with her and as you can see it would be just a never ending cycle as it once was. I thing about all the times he hurt me. All the stupid ass fucking times I fell for the same freaking son of a bitch mother fucking thing over and over and over and over. Thinking about it makes me fell so fucking stupid. It's been a minute since I've seen him which is good. Who's counting? I am. Why can't I be the one that he ended up with? WHY? Was I not good enough for you? I gave you everything you stupid dumb fuck! I sacrificed myself for you STUPID FUCK! YOU MOTHER FUCKING RETARED SON OF A BITCH. ALL I DID WAS GIVE AND GIVE AND GIVE HOPING YOU WOULD LEAVE HER. BUT NOPE. YOU STAYED YOU FUCKING INSECURE QUEER CLOSET CASE. It hurts writing this. Last time I checked I've put on 69 lbs since breaking up with you in March of 2009. Last time I remember seeing you was what September 2010? So yes I am letting myself feel these feelings cause it's okay too. The thing is to move on from them. I'm so tired. There is so much I remember about you but there is one particular moment when I first saw Rico. He was eating with Sabrina on table 32 in Baytown. Facing them he was sitting on the left and Sabrina was on the right. I remembered he had the Antonio's Trio and she had the Chicken Alfredo with bowtie pasta. Yes I did think to myself he was something else. FINE! I never in a million years thought I would end up having a long term relationship with him. Anyways he was already out in the door and peaked back in and asked if we were hiring and I said YES. He asked for the application. Brought it back filled out and I hired him. I never expected it to go anywhere cause he had a girlfriend! Then from the get go he was flirting with me! I didn't believe it!! Then it all happened so quickly. Within the 1st couple of weeks we had went out on our first date. Mai's was the place. We were on the other side of town and we were both nervous. Me just from being with someone so goodlooking! Him cause he wasn't out. Still in the fucking closet. And till this day the stupid dumb fuck is still in the closet. I hoped and prayed that things would be different today. I wanted to live life with him not apart from him. YOU TORE MY LIFE APART RICO! MY HEART BROKEN INTO A MILLION PIECES!!! I so wanted to be with you! Why God couldn't he ended up with me instead of her? Is she better than me? Am I not good enough? Am I too ugly? Am I too fat? Is it because I am not skinny? Why does he have to life in secret? I don't see how someone could have lived a double life.......

I do know this God. No drink or drug is worth it!! I can say this right now I am grateful for living a sober life all these years. Sure I've been around pot. Sure I breathed it in while others were smoking it. For along time I use to beat myself up cause I was around it and breathed it in. But I know I'm still sober. I never felt fucked up. With that said.....as emotionally drained I am right now no beer nor cocaine nor liquor will take away the pain. Just feel the pain. All of it Joe!

2011-01-24T22:56:00.002-06:00

Being Present

It's 10:57pm and I'm so excited to see Whitney come this Sunday with Kim Burrell. I've been watching this video of Kim tributing to Whitney and I can't help but think.....it's brought me to tears. Makes me grateful to be alive cause if I would have continued the same path I did 13 years ago I promise you I wouldn't be here today. I've never forgotten the way things were. If I truly wanted to I can conger up the feelings of the way I felt that week, those nights & that particular last binge. I wasn't a pretty site. I remember looking in the mirror of that hotel room and just feeling Lost. Alone. Afraid. Scared. I didn't like what I had become. I can't tell you why I became a drug addict who loved cocaine it just happened. Coke had become my best friend who never left my side for 3 long dark years! I've said in the past that I fell asleep for three years then I was woken up by God. I had enough. I was ready to get sober! I was ready to live life again! I had given up for along time and now I was ready to pick up the pieces and put myself back together. It's funny cause today I've been sober 12 years and 10 months and I certainly believe in miracles. And I'm so grateful to be sober today. I may not live life perfectly but I can try to be a better person today than I was yesterday. I don't know what life holds for me tomorrow but I can be present and remember life holds for me much more than I could have ever expected.

2011-01-01T23:15:00.003-06:00

It's a new year. Today definately feels like a Sunday although it's Saturday. I had a good day. I woke up. lol Went to work shared some quality time with my boss. He made an amazing dish. Gave me some to take to my family. Spent some time with Ali, my mom. :) I ended up going to Family Dollar afterwards cause I remembered I need some AA batteries. I was being ghetto for the past week changing the batteries back n forth between the two remotes. lol Well anyways mission accomplished.....

It's 11:18pm. And I really don't know what to write. I could go down the path of stirring up my emotions but why?

I'm kinda good right now. I don't need to go there. I wouldn't say I'm bottling up the feelings but I guess you can say they are on the back burner till I'm ready to confront them. I had a good cry the other night and it really drained me. It had been a long time since I prayed really hard. I care for someone alot and I just want the best for them. I want whats best for them. With that said, I care for him alot. It's been awhile since I let myself feel that way for someone. And at first I didn't want to let myself get close to anyone. I've been down that long winding road and I didn't want to travel. I didn't make any plans to travel. It just happened. We don't choose. It just happens. The feelings are mutal or at least I don't think so. But anyways the way I feel isn't wrong. It isn't right. It isn't wrong. It's not right but it's ok. I don't know whats going to happen tomorrow. The future isn't concrete. It isn't set in stone. It isn't scripted. Of course I would love for it to play out like a movie and the ending be a fairy tale but that would be so generic. So bland. But then again, I would love just fast forward to the end cause then both sides would be happy. Yet the contents...the insides we wouldn't know. I've had two back to back relationships that lasted well over 5 years and I'm ready. I'm not saying that I want a relationship. I'm saying I'm ready to experience life again. But i'm not locking any doors but just choosing to shut the door. If someone comes along and decides to open that door then by all means so be it. This is 2011 and it's time for Joe to spin and flourish like a butterfly. HAHA that is so GAY! lol

2010-12-30T22:02:00.002-06:00

In My Head.....

It's been a minute since I've posted and I really need to get some stuff out of my head. I know myself as a person or at least I think I do. I love to help out other people in this world. If I had the means to end poverty I would. But on my end of the world I would love to help everyone out. Figure everyone else's problems. For me I need to take a step back. Stand there for a minute. Stop. Think. Remain in stance for a bit longer. And when I think I know the answer stay there for a minute longer. Think a little more. And then make a decision. I don't like to see my friends in trouble. I don't like to see them suffer. I want everyone in this world to be happy. I want this world to be rid of disease and hunger. I pray that God heals my mother. I've been waiting for 16 years!! So the jest of this post is that I need to remember to slow down. It's simple. Just slow down Joe. Work has me stressed. Just slow down Joe and remember everything is going to work out. I'm not in control Joe and that is okay. I am not in control. I'm 33 years old and Joe you are doing good for yourself today. Everything is the way it's supposed to be. Have hope! Believe! And Joy will triumph! :)

2010-10-26T01:10:00.003-05:00

I'm a work in progress.....

I really hate that I don't know what to write sometime. My life isn't what it used to be. It used to be a 40 hour work week and now it's more like 65 hours and practically no AA meetings and I haven't been praying at night like I used to. I'm more pre-occupied with the Tv and trying to fall asleep. Every now and then I will remember to pray. I was once in the habit of doing so. That's changed. I don't go to AA meetings much. I don't go to Lambda anymore. I work alot! But I enjoy it. I'm 33 right now and what I really want in life is to part own Antonio's. That is what I'm working so hard for right now. I'm an excellent employee. I work hard. I'm putting out into the universe that I want to part own a restaurant and then own one of my own Antonio's! I'm still young and I can achieve it if I put my heart and soul into and I am doing so. I've sacrificed alot to get where I'm at. Some people don't understand that and I've lost friends along the way. Do I miss them? Of course I do. Am I Happy? I think I am more happy than I was yesterday. And I don't mean yesterday literally what I mean yesterday like months ago yesterday. :) I've slowly gotten my act together and I'm a work in progress........

2010-10-19T23:21:00.002-05:00

Goodbye!!!

I long to hear your voice! I'm desperate to talk. I'm yearning to touch! I need you and leave you no choice. You lied to me Rico to buy a little time. I know you know how much I love/d you! I miss you. It's been well over a year since we've broken up. It's been a close to a couple of months since we've seen each other. I'm trying to move on. I really am. But I see things that remind me of you. I miss everything about you but I do not want to get back with you! I never want to see you again! It hurts writing this. It hurts me to the core of my heart! You've broken my heart into pieces, not into two pieces but into millions of pieces! It's mending Rico. My heart is mending but everytime I see you then you go away for a few weeks and then come back my heart crumbles into millions of pieces......

I remember seeing you for the first time and was in just awe. I never thought in a million years I would end up sharing a relationship with you. I never thought you would be the person who rescued my heart from a previous relationship. It was August 2007 when you started working at Antonio's. It was only a matter of weeks before we went out on our first date to Mai's. I remembered you broke up with me on your birthday and I was so freaking angry. Ass! Then a few days later we ended up hanging out again. Then weeks turned into months. I remember the first time I told you that I Loved You. I didn't get a response until the first real week we hadn't seen each other. It was the week of November 27th that you told me I Love You on the phone. I was so happy. So freaking happy. Thinking about it makes me smile. It's called bittersweet memories and that is all that I'm taking with me. Of course I remember all the bad times we shared but doesn't all relationships go thru that? I really hope that life treats you kind! I wish you happiness. I wish you love Rico! I know you tried this last time but it wasn't good enough. I didn't want to settle for 2nd place. I'm tired of that. I don't want to go thru that again. I'm better than that. I'm on the mend and that is all that I can do. What the saying, "fake it till you make it", and that is exactly what I'm doing. I know I have my moments but I feel it then move on. This is my final post on you! My final goodbye cause I don't want to have to do it again! You've hurt me way too much. Way more than I could have ever asked for! Gosh this is so hard! It really is! I know that I have to say goodbye! I want to say goodbye! I need to do this for me not for you cause your living your life. Sometimes I want to know if your thinking about me. I want to know if you miss me like I miss you. Did you ever love me the way I loved you? Did our relationship ever mean anything to you? Questions I ask myself all the time! I miss you Ricardo. I loved you so much! I did everything for you! I don't regret anything about our relationship. It was a learning experience. It was lesson learned.

I promise you this! I never ever will get back with you. I don't want to ever talk with you again. I need to do this for me. Not for you but for me!

God please hear me! I'm hurting at this very moment! I need you by my side. I'm crying out for your support. your love. I love you Lord. I'm praying for closure in this relationship of Rico and I. I want to be free of the bondage thats inside my head. I love him. I loved him so much.

Why am I finding it hard to end this letter? Fear! But when I think of all the things you put me thru leaving you has been the best thing for me!!! It has. That is so true. But it still hurts. I need to let you go! I have to get you out of my head. Yeah I do.

It hurts like hell!! You live a little! You laugh a little! You cry a little! That's the story......the glory of love! I'll go......I'll think of you every step of the way Rico. Darling i'm done. Bittersweet memories is all that i'm taking with me!! This is what's right! I know that it is. I wish you joy and happiness. I wish myself joy and happiness! Goodbye!! I will always love you Rico.

2010-10-06T23:07:00.002-05:00

Hello......

Why can't I let go? Why can't I move forward? Why is that I miss you so much? Why can't I find anyone else? Why? Why? Why? Wow this song is so touching! I do wonder where you are! I don't have a clue!! Let me start by saying I love you! I do love you but I know it's not healthy for me to live in the past. I know for me it's healthy to live in the present. I know it's not healthy to wonder into the future and project how things could or would be. It isn't healthy Joe! I do cherish what we had Rico. It was wondeful. Three years and Three months have passed since the first time I laid eyes on you!

In one of my last posts I mentioned that perhaps I should write a goodbye letter. I wonder should I? I know I should! I know it would bring an on slaught of emotions. Am I ready? Do I really want to let go of the past?

I am an intelligent person. I know why I do things I do. I know why I project things onto other people. I know that I'm a selfish person trying to be unselfish! I know that I want to put the blame onto other people of why the way I feel! Makes sense right? I know that I try to look at things in a positive way vs. a negative way. I want to be happy. I want to be free. I want to be joyous! I know that I dwell in the past and it isn't healthy......

I guess the thought I have in my head right now is one of the last times Rico and I were together. I was dropping him off.....it was one of the last times I saw him. He was breaking up with me. He didn't want to see me anymore. He broke his phone so that I wouldn't call him anymore. It hurt so much. I know that I'm dwelling on the hurt. And perhaps maybe I should dwell on the good of the relationship! But it's so hard! I didn't want to let him go. I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to let him go. I wanted to stay in that relationship. I couldn't believe he wanted to throw our relationship away for a relationship he isn't happy in. If he was truly happy then he wouldn't be seeing me on the side. I know that I can't do that anymore....

Am I glad he hasn't called in awhile? So so. Part of me tells me that if I would have gave in and had sex with him the last couple of times I saw him that he would still make an effort to come and see me but that isn't fair to him nor myself. I can't be that OTHER person! It's not right nor is it ok! Nope! As much as I detest that bitch I kinda feel guilty! Seeing him. Kissing him. Holding him. Touching him. Hugging him. Gosh I really loved him. He tore my world apart. He tore my heart into pieces. He broke it into pieces. I really loved you Rico! You hurt me Rico. You broke my heart and I hate that I let myself feel like this. I love you Rico! We were so happy together. I was so happy. You were so happy. But somewhere along the way it went wrong. We got lost. I got lost. You got lost. We strayed paths. And we were both trying to find our way back onto the pavement but we never got it back. I can't make you love me Rico. I can't. It's not good for me.....

I'm trying to get in the mood but I just can't. I want to cry so bad. I want to make a long river miles and miles long. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to let you go and not feel like this anymore. I want all the pain to go away. Go away! I want you out of my head Rico! Get out. I'm tired and exhausted of feeling this way. Please go away. Run. Far away! Leave! I will always love you yes I will but gosh darn it I was almost there and the tide calmed. Perhaps I'm not ready? Oh yes but I am. I was all ready to say Goodbye at the end of this letter but the tears aren't coming!!! Aarrrgh!

2010-10-01T22:41:00.003-05:00

Why o Why?

I tell myself not to ask and just live. Don't question things? Just live. Don't worry about change? It happens. In the moment I don't know why and try to figure out why things happen. Am I even making sense here? I don't even feel like writing tonight but I'm in the foul-ess mood. Yep!

2010-09-28T17:43:00.002-05:00

Taking Chances......

So I found my cd and just uploaded it to my computer. I forgot how much I love this cd! It's a different sound for Celine but I've embraced it. Her 1st two tracks were like a one two punch! From taking chances to yearning to be alone with Rico. This song speaks so much to me. Alot!! I would take him with open arms if he showed up on my door steps! I would let him in. Not all the way but of course over time. How do I get you alone? Talking about slow torture!! CD came out in 2007 when I started up with Rico.

I wonder if this is healthy by keep on talking about it? From one day to the next my feelings change. Or perhaps I'm just scared. Maybe I should write a goodbye letter to Rico? Wow just typing that I've felt an onset of emotions! Maybe I shouldn't then? What should I do? I ask myself what I should do? What? I don't want to cry right now. I don't want to feel or let myself these emotions! I guess I've hit the nail on the coffin or at least I know what I should. Am I ready?

2010-09-28T00:17:00.002-05:00

In A Perfect World......

I haven't posted in awhile! It's been a month. Aarrrgh! I really don't know what to write. Everything is fine. Really? Yeah I guess. I mean I could always work on something. Life is about learning. Life is about living. And I've been living and learning. Accepting the way things are. Accepting the fact that it's over. And in all honest, I'm ok with that. Really? Absolutely. I need to tell myself that I need to move forward. As much as I want to look back it isn't healthy.

You Owe Me Nothing In Return!! Alanis Rocks!

No One - Alicia Keys - Now this song takes back. The words rang so true back then. And listening to it at this moment, I'm good. No tears. No regrets. No hate. No yearning. No Wanting. No hatred! No Bitterness! Everything is going to be all right. Healing was a process. It was definately long and drawn out. But you know what I didn't use nor drink. There were times I wanted to. There were times that I wanted to abuse the Vicodin that was prescribed to me but I didn't. I won't lie and say it didn't feel good but again I am ok with have taken it.

Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart - Alicia Keys - I'm almost trying to feel something. But it's not there. In the precise moment in time I am good! I'm well! I'm better! I am something. I've become something. Wanting to become a better person takes time at least that is what I tell myself. lol. I've told myself over the last few weeks that......................

I'm that cool river flowing thru a thirsty land. And I am. When I get stressed, I pause, and tell myself that. It doens't always work but I'm a work in progress. Do I ever wish that things were different? Sure I'm only human. Yes? Yes! I need to be honest. No lies Joe. All honesty.

In Joe's perfect world, Rico and I would be married. With kids! Yes I wanted kids with him. I wanted him sober. I remember when he was finally in rehab, I dreamed that he and I would attend AA meetings together. I imagined that I would be his and that he would be soley mine. In a perfect world he would be living with me right now! In a perfect world, Rico and I would be having mad sex like we used to. Gosh I remember we went five times one night! Ha. Didn't finish until almost 6 am and I had to be at work early that morning......

But snap back to reality I know that it isn't healthy for me.

Right Here (Departed) - Brandy - I love that song so much!

Time heals. It's true. I know one day when I'm ready I shall find love again. But that point hasn't come yet. I am not ready to date. I am not ready for a relationship. Nope! Don't want it. First I need to work on myself both in and out. I've let myself go so much and I told myself that I wouldn't get to where I'm at and I did. Again I don't need to beat myself up. I can't turn back time. Nor do I want to turn back time. It's been a lesson learned. A hefty price of HURT AND PAIN! Do I love Rico? Of course I do. In my heart I'll always have Rico and Arturo and Mark and Trinidad! Do I miss them? Of course I do. But why would I want to relive what I/we had. I've cherished every relationship that I've been in whether it be a love interest based on friendship or a love interest based on partnership!

I'm just one human spec in this abundance land of millions and millions people. I can continue to do the best I can. I can make a conscience effort to keep doing the best I can. I love myself! I'm a good person. Affirmations are good for one's soul!!! I work hard. I have family that love me. I can call my dad and have a conversation with him today. I can visit my mother and enjoy the time spent. I can go home and actually miss being there. Home will always be home.

But I'm living my life the best way I know how!

Wow - True Colors - Cyndi Lauper is just amazing! I just love music. I love how a song can provoke one's emotions! True Colors are like a rainbow.....

I'm living my life the best way I know!! I am. And at this moment in time I am enjoying it. Taking everyday as it comes! I know If I think positive then I'll attract the same. Positive thoughts! I am putting positive thoughts out into the universe. There was a moment in my life where I was told that I was being negative and my friend just walked away! It was months and months before our friendship rekindled! Wow that was definately an eye opener. I had the chance to mention it to him and I actually thanked him for it! I miss you! Five years ago and I had the perfect support group. I didn't want change to happen. I wanted to stay locked in that time capsule forever and keep reliving that 1 1/2 years over and over. It was one of the best times of my life! Brandon, Brian, Charity, Rhonda, Adrian, Morgan and of course my old AA sponsor, Lisa! That is definately one person I miss!! She taught me alot. That woman is definately an angel of God!! Very supportive. Very passionate! Very Loving! Very encouraging! It takes constant work to be able to achieve that! I can only life the best way I know how. Instead of baby steps and I need take steps. I am. I have. And it feels wonderful!!!

2010-08-26T23:53:00.002-05:00

Get Outta My Way!

Ok let's try this again! Ok the tv is down. I have Kylie on repeat. Not too loud so I can concentrate on what I want to say. First let me say I dvr America's Got Talent and come to find out Kylie was on this week. Yesterday to be exact and was pretty excited about it. I've loved Kylie since her debut here in the states with Locomotion. With that said, I wasn't really feeling her new album when it debuted last month. I finally d/l and gave it a chance and was liking it. Well with her new song I'm totally loving it! The song itself I think is amazing. After the initial few listens I started listening to the lyrics. Well who do you think I think of? Rico! Yes. Can you believe it? Haha. Anyways I kinda teared up watching it over and over and over. It's only natural. Anyhoo this is how I'm feeling right now.......

Get Outta My Way! What's the worst thing that can happen to you? I'm about to let you see! You talk! I walk!

Those are just a few lines from the song. I know it sounds kinda corny to you but for me it's epic. It's like God layed this out for me. With my foot being healed I feel like a brand new me!

Get Outta My Way! Way outta my way!! I got no more to say!

This is kinda how everything happened over the last few weeks. He came over. I started to give in. I let him come over. I said sure not a problem. He promised he would come over on Sunday. he did. Next Sunday he said he would come over again. Never did. Tuesday came. Never did.

So I have no more to say! I'm good. Take a seat mother fucker! Get outta my way!

I was already thinking of writing a letter. Kinda like a goodbye letter. Haha reminds me of rehab. Writing a goodbye letter. I know it's sounds weird but it so works. I guess this is my goodbye letter to you. Kind of bittersweet! August 2007 is when I met Rico and here we are August 2010! Of course there were some good times. I'm a little sad. I know I shouldn't see him anymore. He's married. He has a little girl. And I shouldn't be in the middle of that. That is the very reason why I was mad at my dad. I don't want to be that other person. Although when we were together she was that other person. I know it hurts. I've been through the hurt and pain. Those wounds are healing. healed. I started peeling the scab. I've been picking at it again over the last month and one shouldn't pick at the scab. I have alot of things that are going for me!

I've been working out for awhile now. I have to give myself credit. I quit smoking! Yes! I have work which over the last month has been pretty good. I'm proud of myself. I have good friend that is just wonderful. He's really been a blessing to me and I hope that friendship continues to blossoming!

2010-08-10T21:18:00.002-05:00

I Miss You!!

Ummmm is what is going thru my mind right now. I guess a little sad. A little bittersweet. I feel like a kid recieving a bag full of goodies. There is that moment where you flip over the bag and dump all the goodies out hoping to find something good. Your excited. Happy finding your favorite piece of candy yet disappointed to find a candy corn! yuck.

Gosh I haven't let myself feel like this in a long time. I'm just thinking about Rico. My friends. The past. The present. My life is good right now and I am happy but it's ok to let myself feel like this. My old sponsor told me one time that is was ok to let yourself feel something but not to dwell in it. Let yourself feel it and move on. Shake it off. Let it go.

I was talking with my friend about pictures and it just reminds me of when used to go out. When I barely came out. I was having fun. Lots of fun. Lots of sex. Lots of drugs. Lots of parties. I don't miss the alcohol nor drugs. I miss the friendships!! That is what I miss. I miss Andrea. I miss Joe. I miss Joey. I miss Trinidad. I miss Angie. I miss Anthony. I miss Marcel. I miss Irma. I miss Isaias. I miss Juan & Zhandra. I miss all my closest friends over the years. I miss Andrea so much!!! Best friends for nearly 10 fucking years!!

2010-08-08T00:01:00.003-05:00

Why!!??!!

Everything was going good the way it was supposed to be!!! I don't like for things to change. I get used to a certain routine and I like for it to stay that way. I don't know what is to happen. Only God knows. He only knows the outcome. I like to think I know what is right but I don't. Is that selfish of me? I'm only human. Is it fear? Why am I scared? Is it healthy? I just need to trust. I need to put my trust into God. I need to put my faith into God. I pray that everything turns out the way it is supposed to be.

2010-07-28T16:29:00.003-05:00

Why? Why do I let myself feel this way? I am determined! I am. I miss Rico so much. These damn songs come on and I am immediately feel the hurt all over again. Rico took a piece of my heart when he left. And the other part is just broken on the mend! At least I can say there is another side. That other side. I know it's there. I want to get there. I need to get there. It's an up hill battle. My faith is there. The hope is there. God is there. Jesus loves me this I know. Although I do wonder and think about him from time to time. I think it's only natural. Would do things all over differently? No! I Am Grateful!! It's made me a stronger person. It's good to be Good Willed.

I am listening to Y Como Es El from Marc Anthony. I've had it on repeat for the last 15 minutes and it's such a beautiful song about love, jealously & hurt. At least that is what I get from it.

2010-07-28T00:22:00.003-05:00

I am grateful!!

Today was a good day I'm just exhausted. My body is soar. I'm sleepy but I thought I would post just something. I actually went to a meeting today and it was good. I got something out of it. So that is always a good thing. I shared which was even better. I guess for me any meeting is good. haha. I saw my dad today and it had been around 7 weeks!!! Almost two months. Wow! Is exactly right. It was good. It was nice. I gave him a hug and told him I loved him. which he told me back. :) I told him in spanish that he needs to act right!! I kept it simple. It felt right. I left and I know he was happy to see me as I was him!!

2010-07-26T23:03:00.002-05:00

I Am Grateful!!

It's 11:04 pm on a monday night. Still very pleased with how everything went last night. I got to meet Lady Gaga! I know how exciting is that. So want to go again. We'll see how everything turns out......

Geez I'm speechless. I really don't know what to write. What I do know is that this helps tremendously! I used to write more. I used to write on anything that was in reach. Whether it was a napkin or some random piece of paper. My journal or here. Writing for me helps. Just like AA does. I know that have no desire to drink. No desire to use. I have no need for it. My want isn't there which is a good thing. I was watching something on tv tonight and this guy had a shirt that said "I Am Grateful". I love that! God is always sending me reminders. Messages so that I can reminded of things I'm grateful. :) So many blessings in my life. I'm grateful for every person that has ever been in my life. I could make a list but that would be so long! lol I know that I am. And that is all that matters, right? Yes.

It's now 11:14 and I'm ready for bed. It was a long night last night that could have not been so long. Basically it comes down to decisions. Yes! Decisions whether right or wrong we learn from. But yet why do I find myself doing the same thing over and over and over? I pray that I am relieved of it. I pray to God and ask for his forgiveness. I pray for the willingness to be willing. I pray to you God that I could remain teachable. I pray to you Lord Jesus Christ that I live a better life. I love my life. It's amazing! I am being shown that Life Is Good!

2010-07-23T23:31:00.002-05:00

It's friday and I'm a little bored. I'm sleepy though. I kind of want to go do something but I have to work in the morning. boo! lol It's been a good week. Started working out which is something I'v wanted to do for awhile now and thanks to Jonah I am. I know I've got to commit as well but if it wasn't for his encourgement then I'm not sure I would be doing this. It's that I can't, I can do this. I have been telling myself that it's possible. Anything is possible if you put your mind to it? Of course. I try to remain positive today. It's better that way. So much. Who wants to be around someone who is always down? I wouldn't. I'm a good guy. I work. I'm responsibile. I have a career that I love. I have people in my life who love and care about me! I'm single today and happy about it. I wouldn't have said that a year ago. I've come along way and have to give credit where credit is due. Last year I was in therapy. This year I'm not! Wooohooo. I know that God works in my life. I know God watches over all of us. He does!!

I really don't know what else to write? I could start a bucket list? lol Haha Maybe I should write a to do list and put that on there and see how long it actually takes for me to start one. Ready? Set! Go!! lol. Now your just being silly Joe. Would talking to yourself classify you as crazy!? Fuck no Joe. Speaking of crazy I have no interest in watching that movie. I would be crazy to watch it. haha

Peace and Love.
joe

2010-07-17T00:09:00.002-05:00

It's July 17th 2010. I'm sitting alone in my apartment feeling all these mixed emotions. I'm not really not sure what's going on. I will not try to judge what I'm writing today and just let it flow onto the screen. Not trying to think of what to type first and just letting it flow. from my head to my fingers to the keyboard and on to the screen. I guess I could start by saying I miss Rico. I know it's been well over a year since we've broken up but still it's like the wound is just there. Refusing to heal. Because on both of our parts it's still open. Sometimes it's almost closed and then he calls and it's that layer of skin just peels off. It's like when you pick at a scab and you keep messing with it and then slowly it starts to bleed again. I love him. I do. He's married now and there is nothing I can do to make things different. I am living my life today the best way I know how to. But it doesn't negate the fact how much I cared/care love/loved him. Sometimes. Sometimes I wish he would move in with me so that way I wouldn't have to be alone after coming home from a long day of work like today. It hurts. I hurt. My heart still aches. My body wants him. But I know. I know it's can't be. I would love for it to work out. That isn't reality. The reality is he's married. Expecting a child with her. I have to accept and tell myself and find the will to move on. It's God's will. Thy Will. Not Mine! Thy will be done. Rico was one of the love's of my life. He made me laugh. He made me cry. I wanted to be a better person. I was always trying to live up to his expectations. At first I wouldn't give in and made him work for it. He stayed. He came back. He left but he always came back. I know he loves me. I love him too. I can only speak of what I know today and can't say never but I know I won't live like I have been and wait. I can't wait for him. Look what it's doing to me. I don't really want to get out and have fun. I've put on so much weight and with the help of Jonah it will come off. I guess for me even letting a friend in is somewhat a step forward. After being let down by people it's always a uphill battle to let that next person in. I'm once again listening to my favorite singers! IWALY rings so much truth. So much passion. So much understanding of what love is can and should be. Love is about hurt and pain. joy and love. When I was a kid. Freshman in high school to be exact, I will always love you was out in full force. I would sing that song as if I sounded like her. Never really related to it. The Voice is what attracted me to her. Now after experiencing love. It definately has a different meaning to me. Arturo and Rico. Rico and Arturo. I guess the reason it was so much easier for me to move on from Arturo cause Rico came along and I fell in love with him. Now listening to Why Does It Hurt So bad and I guess I just needed a good cry. I needed this cry. I'm feeling better now. But......

And then there is the issue with my dad. I love him of course. It hurts deep inside. I don't care what age a child is seeing your parents going thru something that affects definately will eat at your insides. Seeing my mother going thru so much pain it hurts like hell. I haven't talked with him in over a month. Probably almost 5 weeks. maybe 6 weeks? oh I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. God please help me. I know with Gods help I will get thru this! Every night I pray to God. I pray to Him and ask to relieve my moms pain. I pray for the both of them. I want it work out. I don't want to see my mom alone. I yearn for a cure. I wish she wasn't sick. I wish they could find a cure for Lupus instead of medication she takes. I'm really grateful for outlets like this. it gets it out of my head and onto paper so to speak. I used to write. I used to blog. I used to be in touch more with my feelings. I wasn't so disconnected. i want to feel again. I just don't want to feel hurt and anger. I refuse to just feel spurts of energy and happiness. I want that happiness joyous and free. It will come. All I have to do is continue with AA.......

2009-09-14T01:13:00.002-05:00

Responsibility

I guess I'll start by just typing and seeing where it goes. He called me last week to remind me of the bank account we shared together. wanting to know if he was still on it or what. I told him I realy didn't care. And I don't. I'm really trying to get on with my life. I'm not gambling anymore! I guess circumstances change and we have to change with the times.....I mentioned to my parents that I'm moving out at the end of the month. I guess responsibility is something that I need to embrace. Mother mentioned that maybe me getting robbed a couple of weeks ago was supposed to happen. It's certainly made me realize that I shouldn't go to the gameroom anymore. I guess I've traded another addiction for another. It's not a new addiction just something that was put on the back burner.

I've gained weight and I'm really embarrassed by it. I tell others that I don't care but when inside I really do. I know by eating properly it will all come together. I have faith and hope that it will. I'm doing better for myself today. I really feel that I am. It's not perfect but in time it will get alot better. I'm estactic for whats to come. It's been 12 years since I've attempted to live on my own and I'm welcoming the idea. I can actually run around naked. lol.

2009-06-06T05:22:00.002-05:00

Exactly Two Months Later!

What a coincidience? It's 5:23am in the morning and I haven't been to sleep yet. I'm wondering when things will go back to normal. But what is normal? I still miss him. I still love him. The last time we had sex was on the 9th of May. Not too long ago but it seems like ages. I know he called the other day but I ignored his phone calls. I continue to do so. It is getting easier. With the help of therapy I know things will get better. I just need to stop gambling so much. Recently I haven't been losing it's just the fact that after work that is where I spend all my time at. It makes it easy cause I don't have to think about Rico. There I said his name. I love him so. I'm so sleepy right now. I need to get some sleep. I need to go to sleep. I need my rest. It seems I guess I stay I awake till I can't keep my eyes open anymore cause when I turn that light off, all I do is think about him and it hurts so much. The pain is so great. I sometimes feel my heart is going to rip open and all the hurt. The anger. The emotion. The intensity. The guilt. The shame. That intense raw emotion. Will be out in the open and I'll be vunerable once again. Sometimes I think ti's better when my walls of protection our up. Cause abandoment isn't nice. not pretty. nope. no sir. naw I don't like messing with it. I know I need to get my ass back into AA. that is where I belong. it helps so much. I guess I shouldn't think about it and just do it. I think that is all for right now. God please continue bless me. Bless him as well. It's really good that your doing for me and him what we couldn't do for ourselves when we were together. I guess it's better that way for now. I love you Rico! I will always love you!

2009-04-06T23:17:00.002-05:00

I Will Always Love You!

I miss you so much Rico! Its moments that I find myself listening to for example this song. It reminds me of the time we shared. I really hope life does treat you kind and that you have all that you dreamed of. I wish you happiness & love. I will always love you! The beginning of the song talks about...if i should stay, I would only be in your (his) way so I'll go but I know I'll think of you every step of the way. It took me along time to realize that I was only enabling him even more. Part of me was scared that if I didn't keep helping him out that he would leave me. I know he does love me. I know that. I don't blame him for nothing. I don't regret the past nor do I wish to forget. He'll always be part of who I am today. He's made me a better person.

I'm really proud of myself. I'm living life the best that I can. I'm taking charge now and I'm doing it for myself. I realize that I need to be get on with my life and stop living for him. I was doing that. I was waiting and hoping things would get better. That he would change. I wanted him to change but I of all people should know that if didn't want to change then who was I to try and take control. I am beginning to understand. I'm understanding. Sometimes in life we need to let go and just believe and hope that everything that is today is the way it's supposed to be.

I'm sitting here writing this and listening to I Will Always Love You over and over and over. I think I'm allowed to let myself feel all these feelings. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm glad. I'm scared. I'm all these feelings right now. I'm sad cause I miss him. I'm angry for things that happened. I'm glad that I'm not with him anymore. I'm glad for all the happy times we spent together. I'm scared that I will never talk to him again. I'm scared that I will talk to him again. I'm just all these feelings right now. I'm going to feel them. I glad that I have outlets like this to feel them and not feel guilty for doing things that I will later feel shameful about.

I just miss him so much. God I pray that you continue to bless him and watch over him. God I pray that he gets better. God I pray that when the time is right the time will be right. God I pray that you will always take care of him. I wish him no harm. I want him to be happy and live life to his fullest, sober! I really want that for him. I want happiness for myself and if that means it's supposed to be that way then I can't question you and only you know what is best for the both of us. I have faith that one day you'll see him thru, when he's ready. I know God that when he is ready You'll be ready to accept him with open arms.

I will always love you Rico! Babyboy, I love you.

2008-12-31T16:28:00.002-06:00

I'm sitting here at work waiting for Rico to call me again. We've been together for a year and half now and my feelings for him are still the same, I love him so much. Although things aren't picture perfect, I wouldn't change anything. I've always said, things in life happen for a reason. For whatever that maybe, I can't question it. Only God himself knows why and I can only go with it. Rico is in jail right now and it's been 3 days now. I want to bail him out but I'm afraid by doing so will only bring harm to him again. I've bailed him out before with the consequences only worsening so by choosing not to do so now, I believe it will only help him out in the long run. I know I can't control things but I can help the outcome a little. By our conversations over the last few days, I hear Rico wants help. He's finally realizing that. I can sit here and question it or trust that he really wants help. I have to put my faith in God and trust that everything is going to be ok. So by trusting God, I trust Rico.

It hurts so much. It hurts to see someone you love suffering from the disease of an addiction. I wish sometimes I could cure himself myself but I know that isn't so. He has to do for himself what I've done and countless many others have done for themselves in the past. I know that acceptance is the key. I accept that I'm an alcoholic, my life began to get better. I accept that my life became unmanageable by all things that I did and realize by choosing to do differently, I could live a different life. A healthier life. I have to be strong. I have to remind myself of that. I can't wave a magic wand and make Rico better, he has to do that for himself. I know he wants to live a better life. I remember I swore up and down that I wanted to do differently but somehow I didn't and chose to act out. What was the turning point? What made me so differently? What made me decide that it was going to be this time? Was it truely my bottom? I know we all have different bottoms. My bottom is different than your bottoms. We are all made different. I guess it comes down to faith and that I shouldn't question it. I should just trust God. Have faith. Have Rico pray for the willingness to be willing this time around and know that everything will be ok. I know that when I was told or suggested that I do this, everything seemed to change for the better. I know that I can't sponsor Rico. I know that. I can offer him the little that has been taught to me.

Per our conversation yesterday, one of things he told me was that he was really grateful that I was in his life today. God must have put me in his life for a reason and to have over 10 years of sobriety its really something. That meant alot to me as much as it did him. To realize that, it's the best gift anyone could have ever gotten. Words mean alot.

I know your listening God.......Lord Jesus Christ, I pray to you that you continue to bless Rico. Heal him in his time of need. Never let him forget the way he felt coming into jail as that will only help him in his sobriety. I pray that you help him in his addiction and that he goes to rehab this time and completes and lives a healthy life free from all mind altering chemicals. Bless him and let him know that he is loved! I love you Rico! You will make it thru this and come out on the opposite side healthier and stronger!

2006-10-18T22:48:00.001-05:00

Today is one of those days where I can't control anything. Funny, huh? I especially can't control the way I feel. I can feel the pain ripping inside. How strong it is! Sometimes I feel I can't hold it in any longer and I cry rivers.....It seems I go about my business. i.e. work & listening to the radio and the memories are there. I don't want to forget him but sometimes the feelings are so intense. I've learned over the years to just feel them. It will pass eventually. I've had two episodes today and I'm okay. I didn't drink nor use and I'm going to get fucking thru this. I love Arturo! I really do. I want the best for him. But I want the best for me as well. We both want to remain friends and it hasn't been easy for the both of us but we've been thru alot and I love him and I know he loves me!

2006-10-18T22:48:00.000-05:00

2006-10-15T22:52:00.000-05:00

Why does it hurt so bad? Me duele basante! There are times that I think I can't go on. I know they are just thoughts.....Love hurts! I love this guy so much! Right now in this very moment....the pain is so great! But I'm feeling it. In the end of it I know it will make me a stronger a person.

2006-10-12T23:41:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time since I've posted and I think it's a perfect way to let my feelings run free. It's been since the end of July since Arturo and I have been broken up but we're still friends and I still love him with all my heart. Our relationship, we're still friends. He wants to be friends still. And this is the first time in my life after breaking up with someone that I want to remain friends with someone after a breakup. It has been hard. The first time in my life that I'm telling myself that if you love someone so much why you can reach a point in your life where you can stay friends. He's taught me so much. And I believe I've taught him alot. I believe God has put us together for a reason and I don't know why but I just have to trust it and run with it. I didn't drink nor use so that is good. I'm still sober so that is good. I've been trying to get my ass in the swing of things and slowly but surely it's working. I've asked God for the willingness to be willingness and that is all it takes. It's worked in the past and I know it will work for me now. I love Arturo with all my heart. I care for him with all my heart. I want him to get sober. I know that I can't do it for him and that he has to do it for himself. I know that in God's time it will happen and I will continue to pray for him. I have faith that it will work. I have hope that it will come true. My dreams will come true. I want to be happy and I will be happy whether I'm with Arturo or not. I have to start looking out for my best interests. I want Arturo to be happy as well but I can't for him either.....I love you nena!

2005-12-19T19:01:00.000-06:00

It's 7pm on Monday and I want to go back to sleep. I've slept pretty much all day today. I got home last night exhausted from a work. I crept into bed @ 8:30 and didn't get up until 3:30. I woke up briefly to eat some cereal and to finish watching the last 30 minutes of Mr and Mrs Smith but I just want to fall back to sleep. I should be out buying Christmas presents but I shouldn't if I don't have too. I need sleep. I should get ready and go to the 8pm meeting! Lambda but I don't want to. We'll see......

2005-12-10T00:48:00.000-06:00

It's been such a long day. I still have a cold which doesn't help. I have to wake up early tomorrow. Should I make this a bitchfest? No cause I'm too tired. LOL.

2005-12-09T01:17:00.000-06:00

It's been a number of days since I've posted and I told myself that I would post again so here I am @ 1:15am writing when I should be in bed. I've had a cold for the last few days and I hate it. My nose gets all stuffed up and I can't sleep cause it's all stuffy but thank goodness they've invented nasal strips. :)

I was able to get to a meeting tonight which I was grateful for. Since I've started at the restaurant, my schedule is pretty hectic. And with the holidays, even more. I was really needing a meeting tonight. This week I had only been to one so it was time. The topic tonight was on the 1st step. You can never be in enough of those meetings, huh? Tonight was a powerful meeting. Everything was just right. I needed to hear exactly what I needed to hear. I will never forget my last binge but tonight I was reminded how I exactly felt that night. The desperation. The hopelessness I felt. Today I don't have to live that way! My life is pretty good at the moment. Financial yeah. Spiritually yeah. Emotionally eh! I need to do some major house cleaning and I've been sitting on it for awhile now. Since August or so.....4th step needs to be completed. Feelings need to be dealt with. I need to let the shit go already. I always tell myself tomorrow...tomorrow I'll do it. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow?

2005-11-26T14:31:00.000-06:00

This weekend has been quite the experience I love to experience in AA. I have been looking forward to the roundup since last year and I'm grateful I am in a different place to experience it so. I'm amongst friends and it's a blessing! I have high expectations for the dance tonight cause I just have all this energy that needs to be released. LOL. Watch out people. Clear the dance floor. LOL! Que Cute.

2005-09-12T15:05:00.000-05:00

It's been quite the time since I've last posted but I think ready to start again. It's funny. Ricky has made a couple of comments that I should start writing and it makes me smile cause I know I need to. Plus it lets me know that others care about me!

This past year I've been so stressed over my finances that it got to the point where I had to start cutting things here and there that I normally did. Re did my car insurance. The stuff I was doing to get it my expenses cut was just UGH! But then my spending wasn't helping either. Then I had to start taking medication and then therapy sessions. I'm like fuck. Anyways all of it was stressing me! I was worried about it constantly. It gets to the point where it consumes you, at times that is.

This past Saturday, one of my old boss's called me before the 11:30 am meeting and he wanted to talk. I called him back wanting to know why he wanted to talk.........we agreed to meet later that afternoon. I could not believe they asked me to comeback! We talked for an hour so and I left. He told me to call him the next day cause he wanted himself, his uncle which is the owner and myself to meet. So I did. We met for lunch and talked more. I took the job! It makes me happy. I now know that I can get my finances back in order.

2005-08-28T01:49:00.000-05:00

It has been a long day! My day started off with being at the 11:30 am meeting. It was good. Had lunch at the Mexicana. It was good. Had coffee with Thomisina(sp?) @ Starbucks. It was good. Then headed to Extreme to see Cisco's tatoo. Que cute! I love it. Then we went to Kim Son to celebrate Dani & Lisa's b-day's. Then we all headed to b-day night. It was really overwhelming to see everyone pick up there chips. Really grateful too. I started tearing up when Trish got up there. Then Tracy....Then when Lisa got up there to get her chip, I was crying.

I'm so freaking grateful that she's in my life today. I really am. After the meeting tonight, I was really feeling some feelings that I didn't want to feel. I cried & cried & cried & cried. God really sent me an angel six months ago! I love her so much.

2005-08-27T00:33:00.000-05:00

It's funny how when you decide to have a good day, it becomes a good day. And that is exactly how it turned out. Got to work this morning around 6:45am...started my day with a cup of coffee. My boss always has the coffee ready...mainly cause she wants it. :) I decided that I would have a cup of coffee. It was good too. Black with 3 sugars. Next I proceeded into the stockroom like usual and I clocked in. Ready for the day. It was pretty busy too.....opening boxes and getting all the merchandise into the three shops. It's tough when your short handed but I had Whitney to keep me company. As well as some Heart, Pat, & Joan. Played a little Annie and some Sarah too. The girls keep me company throughout the day which helps. Clocked out @ 4:30 and proceeded home. Went to the meeting, had some wonderful fellowship. Went to the movies with Brian & Shawn. We caught the 10pm showing off The Aristocrats. It was cute. I wouldn't see it again. Hell to the naw! All in all, I can't complain on how my day turned out. As long as I remember to keep it simple. Ask God to guide me in direction. Turn my thoughts, actions, life & will over then I know God will handle the rest.

Peace & Love
Joe

2005-08-26T00:07:00.000-05:00

Perspective. Nice word isn't it? It's all about perspective. I continue to see that things that I go thru, I'm able to put things into perspective. Everything happens for a reason. The stuff that I've been dealing with lately, I'm grateful for. I really am. Happiness comes from within, I know that. I don't have to drink, drug, or have sex for me to escape my feelings. They are just feelings. I claim them. They are mine. I don't have to analyze everything in detail. I can just be. It's been about 5 months of abstinence for me, give or take a few days. And I am totally grateful for that. Today has been a good day for me and that is all that matters. Tomorrow is another....

2005-08-24T01:04:00.000-05:00

I'm in a place of comfort knowing that everything will work out in God's time. After the meeting tonight, a fellow AA'er came out to me and said how much progressed I've made in that I've been opening up more in each meeting. It isn't easy to do but I felt so much better after doing so. I've been honest about it, I just haven't put myself out there for others to know my stuff. I'm so grateful for Ricky! I really am. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be doing this journal thing online. Thank you Ricky!

2005-08-21T23:45:00.000-05:00

I'm so fucking depressed right now. I've been in isolation since last night. I have turned my phone off. I don't want to talk to no one right now. My finances are all fucked up right now. I can't get them in order. I miss Brandon! My migraines have kicked in since in last night. I don't want to take my medication. I had a dream about Joey last night. I miss him so much. I miss Trinidad. I miss Keegan. I miss Mark. I don't deal well with abandonment. This is something I'm working on right now.

Last night's dream about Joey, I enjoyed it. Then I woke up and realized it was only a dream and that I will never be able to experience a friendship like I once I did with him years ago. I met Joey 11 years ago thru another good friend. Joey and I became good friends. I was always spending time with him. As a kid, I could never spend the night at other peoples houses and for me being able to spend the night at his apartment I was so happy. I was 17 at the time. His parents loved me. Michael, his little brother was adorable. I felt accepted. I was at this stage in my life where I wanted to be apart of and his parents were very accepting. I felt I could be myself but I still wasn't "out". He's mother would always cook and invite me stay for dinner and I would. He's father would do the same and I would stay. There were times when I would spend the night, he's grandparents would be out of town.....so we would stay at there apartment which was in the same complex. One of the things I admired about Joey, he played keyboards. He played by ear. I loved to hear him play. He would play for me. He loved to show me the new stuff he had learned. And I could just sit there for hours and listen to him. It was there that I learned to play Mortal Kombat. I still love to play that. One of the few few few video games I will play! I'm not fond of them at all but I will play Mortal Kombat. I cared for him alot. We partied alot together. I drank with him. And we drank. Those were the fun times I had when I was drinking.

One night we all went to see La Mafia. They are a Tejano Group who are based here in Houston. Anyways, we all had backstage passes to meet them. They are my favorite tejano group. I have most of there albums. Till this day, I have my wristband that I wore that night to get backstage. By the way, Joey's uncle is the exe. prod of the group and also plays leads on keyboards.

Years passed....I got sober and I hadn't seen him. Then in 2000 I ran into his mother and she was looking to move out and so was I. We moved out together and got an apartment together. I saw him again a few times. By this time he was already married to Nancy. I remember Nancy from years previous. I remember I let him use my car to go see her at school this one time....aww the old days. I liked her. It was good seeing them together again. Irma and I enventually moved out after 6 months and I haven't seen her or Joey. And this has been 5 years now. When I did last 4th step I had put Joey on there. And by doing so....it helped. Then when I experienced abandonment issues with Brandon, all of my past relationships came to surface. I guess that is what triggered it? Anyways, I'm doing another 4step right now so it's perfect timing......cause I don't have time to deal with all of this mess. On a side note, a couple of months ago Brandon and I had went to Memorial park to run/walk. He did the running and I did the walking. Anyways, we stopped by at one of the local stores at the corner......anways I ran into David, one of the members from La Mafia. My heart stopped. I was like should I go up to him or not. I did! I asked him how Irma and her sister was. Asked him how Joey & Nancy was. I asked him if he could get in contact with him for me and he said yes...I gave him by number but I still haven't received a phone call. And that is ok. There could be a million reasons, right?!?

2005-08-19T23:49:00.000-05:00

Today was the second day of inventory at work. I didn't get to sleep last night until close to 1am last night. Got up 30 minutes late. Rushed this morning which I hate doing. Only a couple of minutes late which I don't being. I love to be organized at work. It's the OCD in me! LOL. I wish it would flow in other areas in my life but I believe everything will work out just they it is supposed to. God will take care of me. He's taken care of me this long. I do not doubt he will stop doing so now. Anyways, so towards the end of my shift.....I was so freaking exhausted!!! I haven't felt like this in a long time. I came home and crashed for two hours.

Went to the meeting and so my sponsor there which is always refreshing! I love her so much! When I look at her, I want what she has. I feel since I've gotten her as my sponsor, my life has changed so much. I've never felt so much better. All the stuff that I'm going thru put aside, I'm really happy. I'm grateful. I'm abstinent and that is a huge thing for me today. So I know for me, I have the best sponsor in the galaxy! :)

2005-08-19T00:33:00.000-05:00

It was a pretty productive day today. We are getting ready for inventory at my job today which is good cause I was able to stay busy. Afterwards I had therapy. That is always lovely. LOL. I got to thinking I don't need it anymore cause I am running out of stuff to talk about.....I need more drama in my life.....KIDDING! LOL.

I've decided that I'm doing the "Not so Annual Talent Show" this year. Yippy! I've been working on the piano piece. Woohoo! I'm really nervous though. I've been doing ok with it but I still have two more days to practice. :) And besides, it's all about having fun. God will be right beside me! He will be watching over me! He will be always be there for me as long as I am willing!

2005-08-18T00:02:00.000-05:00

Meeting new people in recovery is just a blessing! I got to meet Wendy P. @ Starbucks this evening and we had a wonderful conversation. I realize that everything that I'm going through, everything is going to be ok. Feelings are just feelings. I claim them. They are mine. Nothing wrong with them. Everything is going to be ok! Are you ok?

2005-08-16T01:53:00.000-05:00

If I'm being honest with myself.....the reason I asked that question "Are you lonely?" is because I have been feeling that way. I know that I am not alone cause God is with me. I love that line in Jesus Loves Me. It's off The Bodyguard Soundtrack, "see sometimes I'm lonely but never alone", that line hit me because I can certainly feel that way. I know today I can't find happiness in others! I've learned the hard way. It's the insanity. Doing it over and over expecting different results but it never works. I've learned that from past relationships. Happiness comes from within. I was just telling that to Daniel tonight. LOL. We were having coffee @ Starbucks along with Lacy, Morgan, Wendy, Brian & Stuart. Stuart mentioned something and then I rattled off that line about happiness comes from within to Daniel. Daniel asked me something along the lines where did I learn that and I told him from being hurt too many times, which is true. So today I have to stay connected with God. And the fellowship of AA.

2005-08-14T23:19:00.000-05:00

Catching up is what I did today and I really needed sleep. A boy needs his sleep. LOL. I didn't get out of bed until 6pm. That gave me enough time to get ready and head to the 7pm meeting @ Lambda. The meeting was on Acceptance. I can accept alot of things in my life. That I'm an alcoholic. That I'm a drug addict. That I'm a sex addict. That I'm co-dependant. I can also accept that I'm willing to work on all of those things. I've been sober since March 24, 1998 from drugs and alcohol. I've been abstinent from sex for over 4 months now and I'm pretty content with that. And I'm realizing that happiness comes from within not from others. I've turned to a Higher Power which I choose to call God. I have a strong connection with God today which I'm really Grateful today for. I'm doing all of this today which makes me really happy but yet I have my moments of un-happiness. I want to walk around like everything is all fine and dandy but sometimes I feel all broken up inside. Hurt. Sad. Angry. I miss him so much. I feel abandoned. I feel alone. I feel like I've lost my best friend. The one person who I could turn too I have no more. The one person who said who would always be there for me is no longer in my life today. And I've accepted that yet it is still hard cause I'm only human. I still have my feelings and no one can deny me of that. For along time I would drink and drug cause I didn't want to feel. For 10 years I would have sex with anyone, well almost anyone, who wanted to have sex with me cause I didn't want to feel feelings! And today I want to feel whether it is sadness or happiness etc...Today I'm so grateful that I'm forming new friendships. Today I'm grateful that I can build existing friendships!!!!!!!!!

2005-08-14T00:53:00.000-05:00

Where do I start? It's 12:53 am I just got from Starbucks. It was pretty nice being there. By myself, for two hours, working on my 4th step. It's my third 4th step since I've been sober. I prayed that God have me be honest, open, & willing. It's a start. And the names came flowing....
This time around I am putting myself on the list because I have resentments against myself. It's a good thing for me cause it shows me that I am willing more than ever to get honest with myself.

Today has been a good day. After the meeting last night, we went to Mai's and we had some great fellowship. I always love that. I got to hang out with little Wendy. :) I stepped out of my comfort zone and spent the night at her place last night and we stayed up till 5am. We had a little slumber party, along with Lacy & Morgan,without the alcohol & drugs, which is a good thing! Just coffee & cigs. One of the things I get to realize over and over I don't have to take on other people's stuff. I can let go of people and let God take care of them. It's much easier that way. I can continue to work my program and do the stuff I need to do to take care of myself cause I am no use to people if Joe isn't spiritual fit.

2005-08-11T22:32:00.000-05:00

Today was one of those days where it was hard staying focused. I was easily frustrated. Irritable. Moody. Tired. Worried. Sleepy. I kept turning it over and over and over. I constantly had to start my day over and over. Which is ok because I have the tools in which AA has allowed me to do so. It was weird cause I was just telling someone over the phone yesterday that you have to keep turning over bla bla bla....so I have to practice what I preach cause it does work. I have to constantly allow God in my life or else I'm allowing my self will to take it's course. Everyday is constant growth.
Something that I've been going through over the past month or so is my support group. I remember telling my sponsor I finally found the perfect support group. I can go to meetings. I can work my program. This is what a sponsor is for. This is what a therapist is for. I will still make phone calls. I will still work the steps. Prayer & Meditation is a must. My support group, we can all hang out and have fun and if need be, they will be there for me. She told me through her experience, support groups change over time. And it has.

2005-08-11T01:59:00.000-05:00

My second post. It feels a little different doing this online as opposed to doing this in my own private journal. My natural instinct is to proceed with caution but in reality it shouldn't matter. And this is all about FEAR! Fear of what? What others shall think of me? How others will view me? These are my thoughts. My inner most secrets. This is what goes in my head. I think after doing this continuously it will become second nature. My therapist has recommended me doing a daily journal. My psychiatrist has recommended me doing a daily journal. I have been wanting to do a daily journal so I guess it's about time I started doing one.

Today was a good lesson in fear. I was able to walk through fear. I attended my Uncle Jesse's funeral today and it was really sad to see him pass away @ 69. I shared with my AA sponsor that I had the fear of watching my mother experience the loss of her brother. She told me that I should be there for her and for my family. I know that my Uncle is in Heaven with my Grandmother and Grandfather and his brother. I know that he is in a better place.

I'm so grateful that I was able to experience that today. Being able to spend time with family was such a joyful experience. Seeing cousins and second cousins that I haven't years was a blessing. Seeing my Aunts and Uncles together again was even a bigger blessing. Knowing that my cousin and her mother hadn't seen each other in years was God's work.

And this brings me to where I'm at today. I wouldn't be able to experience any of this if I wasn't sober. I have to remember this. My number one priority in life is that I remain sober.

2005-08-10T03:52:00.000-05:00

A journal is something that I have been wanting to do. Something that I want to commit to daily. I have thoughts that I need to process and this is a good way of processing them. Thanks to a good friend that I've had the pleasure of getting to know better over the last few weeks......he's inspired me to do this and I thank him for this. I just hope I know what I'm doing here cause I'm not computer savvy when it comes to this. As for today, I am reminded constantly that it takes continous action to remain in the positive. If I do my part then everything shall follow. It's all in my attitude and if preach it then I need to practice it. I'm so grateful that I have friends in my life today who want the same as I in life. I'm grateful that I'm able to live a sober life. I'm grateful that I'm able to live a spiritual life. Today my life consists of great prayer and meditation! I need to surround myself with people who want the same too. Thank you Ricky!