It's possible.....


I don't even know where to start. I just know I don't want it to be too long before I've written the next post so pretty much this is the reason I've started tonight. I can say this, I've lost 21 lbs and it feels fucking great! I've had some mishaps along the last few weeks but I've done an amazing job and all I can do is praise myself for the job well done I've been doing. I'm been wondering and thinking whether I should make this blog public as it is private. My most personal thoughts out in the open. I guess if it's meant to be then it will happen. No worries right! I should be asleep right now as I've only had about 2 hours asleep the night before. I know I'll sleep like a baby tonight. 7 hours is pretty good.....on another note....

Today I went to look at buying a house. It's a big step and there is a fear of buying it. There isn't anything wrong with a healthy fear but I just know that's natural. I've worked so hard all my life especially these last few years. 2012 looks to be like a better year than this year and this year is/was amazing! 2011 I've made some decisions to only better myself and I'm sticking to it which makes me happy. I'm a little aprehensive about moving. My apartment is so close to work that it's convienence. I don't waste any gas. But owning my own house there is something different about that. It will be mine. It's mine. My hard earned money actually going to something other than a concert ticket. I've spent thousands this year on concert tickets and I don't regret one single second of it either. It was my new years resolution and I've stuck to it. I'm losing weight again which will only be better in the long run. I've opened up a life insurance policy on myself. I'm getting my taxes taken care. I'm getting my credit worked on. I've made a promise to only do better for myself. And for that I'm proud of myself. There is no reason why I should be beating myself up when i'm only doing what's best for me. Good job Joe! Keep it Simple!

It's been two months......

......well almost two months since I've written my last blog post. It seems I only come here when I'm feeling some sort of uncomfortable emotion. And I guess tonight is the night where I've given in to feel what I fear most. It's always a song that makes me think of you. Right now I'm listening to "Yo Queria". It's my own fault. I went to his facebook page. I wish the bitch would just make it private so I couldn't see the photos. I read my last post and what a tear jerker that was. smh. My gosh sometimes I can't believe I'm the one who is writing this stuff. I can say this much, it isn't as intense as it once was. I've changed all of my passwords except for this one......

.....someone like you. I don't feel like writing anymore but I just want to crawl into a corner, curl up like a little baby and just cry. cry. cry. cry and just cry until I have no more tears to cry. I can't believe how the pain can still be there when you really think and concentrate on how great the pain once was. my cheek is wet. it's a reminder of how much hurt you've caused me. how much time I focused on you. how much time I gave. how much misery I was in. how much of a rollercoaster ride this once was. how much time i invested. i wonder if you think of me? I always think of you when the time hits 10:09am/pm. I always will.

It's finally hitting me.....

The love of my life told me he doesn't want anything else to do with me. Wants me to be happy. Wants me to do good with my life. Wishes nothing but the best. At the same time he told me he wants nothing else to do with me. Never wants to see me again. It hurts I am not going to lie. I am sick and tired of hurting. I try and do nothing but good for people. It sucks cause it's always the ones you love the most that end up hurting you the most. I know this isn't the end of the world. I know that things will get better. I know that one day I'll find the person who I will end up setting down with for the rest of my life but today isn't that day.......

I'm sitting here listening to Adele's Someone Like You and can't help thinking of you. I had hopes for us. I wanted everything to turn out for the best of us. You once said you wished that thing were better for us. You once told me I love you. You once told me you were thinking of me. You once told me I made you happy. You once told me that I was perfect just the way I was. I could be myself around you. And now you tell me you regret it! I just don't get it. Next month would have been 4 years since the first time I had laid eyes on you. I don't regret it. This has made me stronger. This will only make me that much stronger!

You Got It You Got It You Got It....


I think lately I kinda start what music I'm listening too and at the moment I am listening to Jennifer Lopez at the moment. I think perhaps maybe why I am having trouble writing is because I am not alone tonight. I think having someone here deters me from what I want to write. It isn't a bad thing. It isn't a wrong thing it is what it is. I drove into baytown earlier this evening and I hate driving into baytown. I don't even like driving to the Antonio's in baytown cause it brings way too many memories. Memories that I don't like think about it. Memories that I don't like dwell on. The past is the past. If I can all help but avoid Baytown I will.....I don't know what to write anymore tonight. I will say this.......I was reading over my past blogs and I promise myself that I will get there again. The determination that I had back then about everything I will get there. I guess what I started with I'll end with.......You Got It You Got It You Got It

Finally......


I was getting worried cause what I wrote the other night I couldn't post it. So glad I was able to post it. A few days late but nevertheless grateful for this outlet. I'm not sure I did the right thing by posting my link onto my twitter but I have nothing to hide anymore. I mean not that I was living a double life any sort but it's just good to get things onto "paper". I remember I used to grab anything in sight to be able to get out of my head. It's 12:48 I should be in bed. I should be asleep. Getting that so called 8 hour asleep that I try to achieve but the night seems to get longer with only a few hours left before the morning sun rises. I think one day I'll be able to leave you in my mind. I never want to forget you. I would never wish that upon myself. Past relationships are/is a wonderful thing. A learning tool. I want to say I've never regretted a relationship but who knows. That would be too much to think about. lol I can barefly forget the one I was in. It seems to just drag on and on and on and on. Everytime I think the door is locked with the key thrown away he seems to creep back into my life....I think that's all for now. I'm think i am going to sleep....

Don't know much about your life.......

and I don't know much about your world but I don't want to be alone tonight! I stay up late as I can because when I lay down at night to go to sleep I can't help but think about you. You made it worst when you came back into my life a few weeks ago and I can't stop thinking about you! You made me miss you even more! I was just beginning to be okay with the way my life was turning out. You made me miss you when I saw you for the 1st time in months. I wish this pain could just go away. I don't like feeling this way. I wish you could feel the tears that I cry for you. I wish you were here to dry away my tears. I hate the fact the all these blog writings are all about you. I don't want just pieces of you Rico! I wish I had a family with you. I don't want to be selfish with you. I remember in the beginning my walls were up. I wasn't ready to fall in love again. And slowly they started to crumble and I let you in!

So much for this being a spiritual blog. It used to be or at least I liked to think it was. I remember I turned to God for everything. And yet I found myself digging deeper and deeper......

I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to feel this way. I wish I could just numb my feelings. I've been there before and in the end I didn't accomplish anything but a never ending cycle that turned into addiction. Yet I'm only human and it's only natural to want that instant gratification. That never ending sensation of not being able to feel. Not have any worries about yesterday, today or tomorrow. Not knowing. No worries or care. Just being selfish. So it all comes back to what I want in life. I've stopped crying. I'm thinking. My body says yes. My mind says no I never want to see you again. You're like a drug to me Rico. You told me you didn't want me to mention you in these blog writings but I say FUCK YOU you dumb fuck. You stupid insecure piece of shit! And I say this with love! lol Of course I don't believe that you're dumb or stupid but I do believe you're insecure piece of shit. Ok I don't believe your dumb either but I do believe your scared. Hect I'm scared and I'm tired of writing. I am thinking about making these blogs public not private. This outlet has always been for me/about me. Hmmm we'll see.......

I've been.......


I haven't felt like this in along time! I mean I've cried. I've been sad before. I've been hurt before. I want to say so much yet I don't want to talk or write about it but I know stuffing my feelings and tucking them away into the depths of the seas won't accomplish anything. I guess I'm grateful for this blog. If I'm grateful for anything right now in this moment it is this blog. It's been here when I most needed a place to vent!!

I've been crying for the past 30 minutes! :( Hearing my mom on the phone sounding desperate to hear answers that I couldn't give her frustrates and depresses me! I hate feeling like this. It isn't my fault nor is it her fault. It's all my dad fault! I just don't understand why?!? After being with someone for so many years why would you even fathom talking to someone else? I mean I don't know all the details nor do I want to know but I know repeated visits to go visit "my grandmother" wasn't just about visiting my grandmother. I mean I saw all the call logs! That is what gets me. Night after night minutes turning into an hour turning into hours just doesn't sit right with me!

This time around I'm not 100% sure my dad has done anything but the blocked calls repeatedly in a row.......the woman saying on the voicemail to call her back.....it being after 11 at night I mean come on! I'm just really tired of it!

BREAKEVEN!



I saw him this morning standing on the steps of my apartment. I had been waiting days...weeks....months! But who's counting? I was eternally. And now I'm falling to pieces. I didn't open the door but I should have! I promised myself that I will open the door the next time. I'm not even sure that is the right thing to do. I'm not even sure that is the wrong thing to do. I don't even think there is a right or wrong thing to do. It just is. I've let go or have I? Was it a sign from God that everything will be ok? I don't know anymore! I don't even know what to do anymore! I really don't. I'm trying here I really am. Things aren't getting better. I'm still sad. I'm still hurting obviously cause just seeing him thru the peep hole has gotten me all distressed and frustrated that I'm crying rivers.......